Posted by In every close relationship like a spouse, a family member or your friends at work, moments of conflict are inevitable. You disagree. You argue. You feel misunderstood. And suddenly, a quiet inner voice rises, whispering: “But I’m right.” And maybe you are right. But here’s the more important question: Do you want to be right, or do you want a stronger relationship?
This isn’t about giving up your values or accepting disrespect. It’s about recognizing that being right and being relational often pull us in opposite directions. Relationships shape the quality of our lives. Learning when to prioritize connection over correction can make a huge difference in your relationships and your overall happiness.
In our work here at HRS, we have conversations with owners and renters throughout the day. Our intention is to focus on the relationship while dealing with whatever issue is being discussed. Sometimes it requires education. Sometimes the situation requires some research. And sometimes people need a hug because they are stressed about other things that have nothing to do with our conversation.
As we prepared for this blog, Paul mentioned a concept we loved… the idea of TARP, or The Average Reasonable Person. (This is a legal benchmark used to assess whether an individual’s actions were prudent and reasonable under given circumstances.) One thing we know… when people are being reasonable, things work out better for everyone and the journey is more enjoyable.
Why Being “Right” Feels Good
There’s a reason we like to be right. Psychologically, it reinforces our identity. It validates our intelligence, our worldview, our sense of control. When we win an argument, we feel powerful — even vindicated. Our brain releases a little dopamine hit, rewarding us for what feels like a victory.
But relationships aren’t games with a winner and a loser. When one person “wins” an argument by sheer force of logic or volume, both parties may lose something much more valuable: trust, safety, and emotional closeness.
The Cost of Needing to Be Right
You may be technically correct — but at what cost?
- Emotional distance: When you insist on being right, the other person often feels dismissed or devalued. This can create a subtle rift that grows over time.
- Power struggles: If you always push to prove your point, the relationship can turn into a battleground. Instead of mutual support, it becomes a cycle of competition and defensiveness.
- Resentment: Even if your argument “wins,” your partner, friend, or colleague may harbor lingering resentment. They may stop sharing openly with you, fearing judgment or correction.
- Loneliness: Ironically, winning too many arguments can leave you isolated. People may withdraw emotionally rather than continually engage with someone who makes them feel wrong.
Relationships thrive not on the strength of our reasoning, but on the depth of our empathy.
Shifting from Rightness to Relational Strength
So how do we begin to let go of the need to be right, especially when we know we’re standing on solid ground? It starts with a mindset shift: moving from ego to empathy.
Here are some ways to begin that shift:
1. Get Curious, Not Defensive
Instead of preparing your rebuttal while the other person speaks, pause and ask: “What’s really going on here?” Is there fear behind their words? Hurt? A need that isn’t being met?
Genuine curiosity fosters understanding. And when someone feels heard, they’re far more likely to soften and engage in real dialogue.
2. Validate Their Perspective
Validation doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means acknowledging that their feelings and perspective are real to them.
For example:
- “I can see how that would be frustrating for you.”
- “I understand why you’d feel that way, even though I see it differently.”
This simple act can diffuse conflict and open the door to mutual understanding.
3. Pick Your Battles
Ask yourself: Is this disagreement truly worth the friction it’s causing? Not every issue needs to be challenged. Sometimes, letting go of the need to correct someone — especially on minor points — is an act of love and maturity.
Letting go of small battles is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
4. Express Needs, Not Just Arguments
Often, beneath the urge to be right lies an unmet emotional need — the need to feel respected, heard, valued, or safe.
Rather than debating facts or proving your point, try sharing your underlying feeling:
- “When this happens, I feel dismissed.”
- “What I really need right now is to feel like we’re on the same team.”
This shifts the conversation from adversarial to collaborative.
5. Practice Reflective Listening
A powerful tool in building connection is reflective listening. After someone shares their point, repeat it back in your own words: “So what I hear you saying is…”
This doesn’t just make the other person feel heard. It also ensures you are hearing them correctly — avoiding misunderstandings before they spiral.
Stronger Relationships
Choosing connection over being right doesn’t mean abandoning truth. Strong relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, trust, and open communication. But within those conversations, mutual respect matters more than factual accuracy. A stronger relationship isn’t about who keeps score — it’s about who shows up with empathy, even when it’s hard.
When both people prioritize the relationship over their ego, something shifts:
- Conversations become safer.
- Vulnerability increases.
- Trust deepens.
- Conflict becomes an opportunity to grow rather than a threat to avoid.
Ego or Friendship?
Every relationship invites us to choose: Do I want to feed my ego, or do I want to feed our connection?
The next time you find yourself ready to prove your point, pause. Breathe. And then ask yourself, “Is this about being right, or is this about being close?” Choose wisely. Your relationships will thank you!
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